Losing my sanity………..Searching for peace!!!

It seems I have no control over over time..well who ever did! I was already living almost a zombie life when I got a news that completely broke me. My father was suffering from cancer since long and he doesn’t have much time left now.  Initially I felt as if everything has left inside of me. I began to question purpose of my life if at the end this is what happens. A pure soul like him leaving us so early. So unfair of life…Every moment my heart cries out in pain for him. Want to leave England and go back to him in India. But No…then u realise u r soo badly caught up in the hardships of life that you need to think of your future as well….. its not feasible to leave study midway and be with him… Financial constraints and what not!!!!!!!

I feel like running away somewhere.. When the hell will I have a life when I can make my own decisions without any constraints… Be it love or life..everything has a condition attached to it….I feel so much emptiness inside of me…It might be selfish of me but I do really wish I had a partner who could understand me at this point of time…This phase made me realise that I have absolutely nobody with whom I can express and share my feelings… Can’t do it with my siblings here because even they judge me…I wish people would stop judging me for a while and just understand me. I am not a perfect girl..so why do people expect me to be. I am sick and tired of ‘be like that ‘ and ‘ do like that’………. i wanna be me ! i know i never thought bad of anyone. So why could not anyone just accept me the way I am…Why is it a big deal for everyone the way I behave and whatever I do ! Even when my intention was not wrong, I was thought to be wrong even by the one I love and maybe he too still thinks I am thinking something wrong. Why does everyone feel, I wear a wrong outward appearance when honestly I don’t …I neva did!

Since my father’s news came out, obviously I feel sad that he won’t be there when I get married and an important man in my life will neva know about another so important man who made me what I am, the best father in the world !! Everybody is asking me to get married soon, atleast start looking for a suitable match so that my father can atleast bless us or be peaceful that I will get married to a nice person. Unfortunate me ! I can’t even gather enough guts to say that to the one I love ..just because we already have had so much….and above all I don’t ever want him to make an emotional decision in case he decides to marry me or be guilty in case he doesn’t …I promise with my full heart that I will never force him in anyway, will try not even to shed a tear…coz if he has to marry me, I want it to be because I want him to love me and not make any emotional decision or have pity on me. As for me, You can’t help it when you love someone..can you!

Here also, there are hubby-wife arguments,shoutings and kind of married people politics each day around me and I just cannot take it. I want a peaceful life for myself. I want to start my own family and by God’s grace ..just be peaceful and happy in it. Love is all I want God …and to have a family that is full of Love..that’s all  I ask for…Please give me that ..I beg of you…I don’t wanna either fight with nebody or go into depression or feel this sheer agony of being love deprived and a loving family deprived ! Just help me God ! I need you ……….I really do ! Please make my father alrite …I still believe in Miracles God … I have lost my sanity and I need you to comfort me ! I need some love, support and comfort God….I can’t handle it all alone by myself …Please God Please…Send me an Angel !!!!!

Memories of emotions ….felt and Unsaid!!

Every moment of my life I remember you and miss you…and all the times that I am alone , I soothe myself with our memories of being together …..all those times when  a shift of glance is all it took to look at you…and I remember how crazily and madly in love with you i was …would stealthily look at you from across  my office seat…staring endlessly at your face …and it would simply make me happy n full of Love….. ! The day when we did a little dance together and you did not bother that there were people all around …N im just filled with love….. I had a few moments where I felt a little special and I would jump high up on the clouds n knew i was sooooo madly in love with you… for an unknown reason !

Sometimes I feel I loved you unconditionally and then I feel ..no..i always wanted you to make me feel special too …i gues that was my only condition….However, there weren’t much times of those until i was about to leave….You do spend good time with loaads of people , however as a gal I always longed for that something extra where you make me feel special … Red Roses–Noo…… Telling me I am special -No …Telling me I am the gal you want to be with ,spend your rest of life with-No…..I guess may be that’s the reason why I became so insecure….. I guess I waited a long time just  for you to tell me …My Happiness is what you want and Being with me is what will make you happy …coz for me  all I wanted was that “we” be in love and not just “me” in love !

I can’t believe how madly in love with you I was …….the innocence in me comes out again thinking of that pure love I felt for you.. mesmerized by you ……And I know you would never believe that I did actually love you that much ….I would just say …May be you just didn’t understand me n my unsaid emotions……. I’m mad about you … Funny now I understand the line of an old song “I love soo much that it hurts sometime ” !

DO I FEEL EMOTIONS NEMORE?

I Often wonder these days ..how do I feel ? Its like emotions have died and drained inside of me and all I feel is sadness.. Outwardly, I can be happy but deep inside I know I am sad ..Is being in love that important ? I see him next to me all the time but he isn’t there… and I am sad… I look in the sky ..see airplanes about taking off and landing around Heathrow …and it seems to make me realise the distance , the thousands of miles that I am away from him …and I feel sad … I go around with my family..see couples being happy and in love and I feel the emptiness in me and I am sad …I goto business school speak to my colleagues and how I see guys getting worried about their girlfriends or fiancée , see them planning about marriage and it makes me wish , someone was thinking of being with me as despearately as these guys wanted to be with their partners , it reminds me that I failed to create such a bond with  you and I feel sad…. I go to pray to God , to ask Him to gimme you and I cant think of any solution … so I am sad… I lie on bed ..close my eyes ..see you and open them again and I feel sad ..to d extent of choking wid emotions and dying…and I am sad.

No anger , No rage …a superficial display of emotions is what I am … Don’t seem to enjoy by far the experience of England and one of the best B-schools simply because this is not what I hoped for …These moments are worthless without you and had you just been with me and loved me , I guess I would have been happier anywhere. Don’t have anybody with whom I can share anything… How badly I need you and you are not around me ….I was never too ambitious anyways …situations made me do this and how I wish you could have told me ..you want to marry me ..you would not be able to if I goto England ..so stop pursuing this …. Ppl would presume Iam ambitious but trust me , all I ever wanted was love and I could have left it all just to be loved…. I am lost in transition …don’t have such relationship left with my parents or my sisters to talk about you or these emotions … No friends around who can emotionally support me . Above all …not you ! What am I ? Where am I ? This isnt my home … I wished for a sweet little family of my own , a family in which I can be happy , a family in which I can have you … But its not there and Iam sad !

I feel my soul found peace just hugging you and being cuddled up cozily with your arms wrapped around me ..and every fight would seem trivial …. I wish you could be here , gimme a hug and things could be all ok again . Im scared these days because I don’t even know what to wish for!  You , Peace , Strength , Love , Family … I don’t know …. I am just living .. I am just a gal waiting for a boy to love me !!

Always with me …. miss you !!

It’s amazing how life can be soo busy yet there are certain thoughts you can’t let go.. Well , had last 2 days really busy ..but still could not sleep the past night … And the reason is nothing new but as stated in my past blogs…Him  ( The loved one i left back ) …I read somewhere that To endeavor to forget someone is a certain way of thinking nothing else….and amazingly true with  me … I kept on having these flashbacks of our times together…And  i couldn’t  sleep..Then started having these nightmarish dreams and thoughts : ” What if  I could never see you again ? What if I could never come back to India ? What if I die without ever seeing you ? ……….”  And it’s not that I did not try channelising my thoughts ..I did but could not get these feelings out ..My heart sank in to the craziest depth and it felt my heart skipped a beat or two .

Finally on my way to college ..I could control no more …So I called him …. and to hear his voice after long …The mere sound of his voice in ” Hello ..how are you ?” and the fact he was at a client construction site (meant he was busy working)….sounded so assuring to me that He is alrite ..All healthy and safe… I felt a sense of relief I can’t explain after the night long ordeal  of the previous night….I could breathe again …. Did not have much to say though ..Just felt like listening to him …Talked about his office stuff for a while..a new job he is considering  and then hardly after 5-10 mins ..had to end the conversation because of ntwork problem. But at the end I was just happy ..happy to know ..he is safe..he is happy ..and above all atleast looking for better options in his work  life ,atleast for his good even if not “ours ” nemore !

Had a busy day again in college today …was appreciated a lot today for my presentation skills… felt good ( who wouldn’t ?) but here I am writing this blog again …still missing him ..because I hoped to share all my achievements , experiences ( good and bad ) and the emotional turmoil  of being away from my country with him always…..Though my brain always feared , my heart unknowingly gave him the place of my life partner , my husband , my companion for life ….Haah Silly Me….But it’s not possible anymore .. and God knows how long will he be with me and in me  even if we don’t happen to be together……….forever is it ???   I hope not !!

Withdrawal Symptoms…..!

There are times when you don’t  know what to do …I miss him..miss him badly … We don’t have any grudges with each other ( at least that’s how it is for me ..hope it’s the same for him ) ..We spoke yesterday about what went wrong  ..and still we didn’t have any answers as to what the future holds or how can we be together …Given all the family constraints , he can’t move here .. I may as well expect him to be my dream man and move here and get a good job here for the due time and then we can go back ..but truth is …it’s just not possible option for him … I always hear people  talk about how they plan their future together ..All my gal friends ..doing their MBAs, just like me ,  in different parts of the world are planning on getting their jobs in a place where their partner is .. I feel its so easy for them just because they don’t have any financial obligation like me ..And one friend who is in sucha situation, currently in US, is too facing relationship problems just like I am .Darn… this Money !!

I know he cares for me ,even if it’s not love but then life’s not that filmy…. I can only hope him to be with me but it’s not easy ..Though all I want is his love and a lifetime of togetherness…it isn’t possible currently…For that he needs to leave all family and job behind ..and it’s too much of risk , being a guy….I wonder did he even think of already looking for a job here if he even had some intention to be with me ..NO ….I could hope he earned back home as much that we could together somehow manage my financial obligations … But that’s not a feasible option for him too and I don’t dare hurt a man’s ego  by even asking him(which I have couple of times and trust me …I don’t want to face that reaction again ) …The only reason that I am not able to be angry with him is that I know he cares for me but it’s his personality that he cannot work as hard ,as out of comfort zone , to  work towards options for us to be together …He himself told me ..if I know I want it I will make sure I get it or do it ..He is not sure about me ..not his fault isn’t  it ?  Anyhow this is a decision he needs to make .. I can spend my whole lifetime with him if he shows his commitment towards our relationship but if he doesn’t , then I would have nothing to feel bad about except sorry for myself ..Haah ..Somehow keep myself mentally preparing each day that there are no chances ….And I need to move on … I indulge myself in all sorts of work to keep myself busy and not think about it ( N this  blog is a part of it too )…Find it hard to sleep at night .. His touch , his body scent makes me feel hez is close to touch and it kills me … I see him in daylight with my open eyes …See him in front of me all the time ..and don’t know what to do about it .

My only faith is God ..I never entered this relationship in a planned way .I avoided everything for around a year ..and even when we started ..everyday I would ask God to protect him and me and steer this relationship as he decided..So now all I can look upto is God …and surrender myself to Him. My whole life has been directed by Him and at every phase I found that it was all for good and same do I think Now…Sometimes when nothing works , its just faith that can help you sail through .. I know I will ..as He wants me too !

Was it LOVE??

Every sad phase leads to a new beginning ….As for me ..its d same …Around 3 months after coming to this country , had to go through a  heartbreak … A simple decision of ” where are we  ? …as in marriage family everything” ( regarding marriage) was posed to me … And then not surprisingly , after whole lot of discussions ..it all came to an end ! But I always feel..  Was this the kind of question I wanted to hear …was this the question with which I as a gal ,  wanted my new married life to start with , if at all ?? Ultimately , makes me wonder Did he luv me at all???

And the answer I feel is NO … He never told me he loved me ..I agree I fell for him because I felt he showed me signs that he liked me … But then it was my mistake..Even the relationship from his side was always ” Lets c what happens ” … This isn’t Luv … In a relationship , u make every possible effort to be with the person you love ..But for me ..all his response after popping the question was always..”Its not possible ..u r far away … I neva thought about moving there ..” There was no support..Not once did I hear him say ” I’ll take care of it or ..we will sort this out ” .. It was always ” NOT POSSIBLE ” …It literally felt as if I am forcing some1 to marry me ….Finally I could not take it n d relationship ended ..Not once did he say ” I wanna be with you .. Dont lose hope ” ..Thanks to Skype , I could see the relieved look in his eyes behind his straight face but unfortunately , he could not see my crushed heart and my lonely helpless soul ! No..he neva luvd me !

As for me , I Luvd him …. I put my undying faith in him ..No..Iam not angry with him..He was always right throughout about how he was ..I misread him ..He was just another guy who knew a gal has fallen for him and could not say No to the idea of going ahead with a relationship…I misjudged him and I agree it was my fault … My takeaway with this episode .. Don’t just listen to heart …Use heart+ mind ….I gues I luvd him unconditionally …without religion or money or family or nething else  being an issue ..fought with my close family for him …but in his family ..I will always be an unknown figure ..Truly, I was never important for him …Sadly enough , he will never know how much I loved him and dat too unconditionally ..Just for his love , I could have gone to any extent had he just wanted to be with me too …or shall I say had he loved me !!

He wanted us to talk ..We do talk sometimes ..but each time I speak to him or see his face ..it reminds me of a grave mistake I made …it reminds  me of the fact that I crossed my lines ..my own firewall …for someone who did not deserve it ..and who did not even value it … He reminds me that it is not his fault ..it’s all me ..coz it was I who ignored the fact ..it was for me to see ….. he just simply never loved me !!

A New Beginning !

And here I am …in a new country ..England… want to  put all the turbulent emotions I am going through ,having left my past behind in India, and all the experiences I am having in this totally new but somehow soul searching environment! Here since past 5 months .. Always caught up in emotional turmoil of the past , present and the future …Seen a lot of changes in these few months …seen how distances and time changes people bt then there are some people who make your life complete and for whom you always remain the same …… somehow think its a good idea to start expressing myself and my day to day events ..will help me to reflect better on my dreams  and live life of  love laughter and happiness !